For My Children: October 2015

Wednesday, October 28, 2015

Struggles

If there is one thing that I want to do Is be able to provide for my children and make sure all their needs are met. Up until this point we have been through some of our toughest struggles. There have been times that I have had no idea what to do, or how to provide or where or whom to turn to. But I have never let that stop me from putting a smile on my face and going about my day. I have never let it stop me from loving my children even more each day. All it has done is made me better and stronger and find the determination I need to, to be able to succeed. I am determined to succeed. Determined to do what I have to and need to day in and day out. My one desire kids is to make sure you guys are ok. Sometimes i feel like a failure because I am not able to provide for you guys like I want to especially when my pockects and wallet is empty. I think staying positive is what have helped me to get through every single day. It is not a man or anything like that, it is positivity and seeing the brighter picture.

There are days I have thought of giving up and saying i am done, but you guys keep me going every single day. Every thing I do I do it for you guys. You keep me going. I prefer to see that you guys have and I stay without . I can't tell you how many nights I have sat and cried my eyes out wondering how I was going to provide. I grew up in poverty and never wanted that for my children. But I got kicked out of school for getting pregnant and my life plan at that point was shattered. Today I am struggling greatly. Full of frustration, full of hurt, full of pain, can you tell from my watery eyes. Kaison you have been crying all day and I have no idea why. Serena you have been way to sassy. And I am so tired of people and their negative, nasty opinion.

Like everyone some days i get frustrated and tired and have no clue what to do or have any idea what I am doing.
I think this blog was more for a rant rather than a post.

The point is I love you guys more than anything in the world and nothing is to much when it comes to you guys.

Monday, October 26, 2015

Hospital Stay 2

Let me tell you the story of how kaison's jaundice scared me to death. After kaison's birth the doctors gave him a clean ill of health. Usually they monitor them to see if they will develop jaundice. But kaison was fine to go home and we were dismissed from the hospital.. We got home and all was well. Of course baby's sleep alot so you can't really tell if something is wrong with their eyes or not until they open it up. Four days after we got home from the hospital Kaison's skin started to change colour. I noticed that he was a bit yellow and thought he must have a bit of jaundice and based on my knowledge of jaundice I decided to find a spot in my apartement where the light shines through. Took my sweet little angel, gently placed him in his chair and set him in the small place where the sun shine bright but not burning home. After all we were in wyoming the state of freezing cold, during the winter so it was hard to get any sort of sunshine. But I did and placed him in the sun. He slept for a good two to three hours before he woke up. As I picked him up and he opened his eyes they were yellow. Really yellow so I freaked out. I freak out for every little thing honeslty. My heart was pounding out of my chest, I had tears rolling down my eyes, my body was shaking.. I was terrified. My first thought was to call some people I know and no one answered. Of course at that time I did not drive so I could not take myself to the hospital and of course Robert was out of reach so he was not an option. My next thought was to call 911 and so I did.. I patiently... not really waited for them to show up. Upon their arrival they took my sweet little boy and started checking his vitals. I could not stop shaking. I was terrified becuase at that moment I had no idea if it was his jaundice or something worse. I never had to deal with that for serena so it really shook me up.
They ended up transporting him to the Hospital and I had to stay back and find some other way to get to the hospital with my daughter.

We ended up getting a ride from a friend name David who drove us to the hospital. Bless his heart. He was always there when I needed help and I will forever be grateful to him for all that he has done for my children and I. But anyway he drove us to the hospital and got there to kaison's screaming his lungs out. He just wanted his mummy and his food. I breast fed him so he could settle down enough for the doctors could monitor him at that point they decided to admit him to the hospital and keep him under the light. We stayed there for a total of three days. Three long, hard days. This little guy had encounter so much during his short life on earth and he is a trooper.
So that was actually our first hospital visit the other visit was visit number two. Like I said before I hope he is over coming all his sickness right now.

Tuesday, October 20, 2015

Hospital stay 1

This was one of the worst days ever for me, but as you can imagine I have a few of those days. I believe Kaison was barely two months when he first hospitalized. We had just moved to Boise and things were going down hill fast. I had one child who broke out crazy over night, having difficulty breathing and suffering with the itches. Luckily it was serena's break out and our endless hospital trips that got me to notice kaison was ill. He was having a bit of difficulty breathing especially when he was sleeping it was worst. I had a doctors visit for serena in 2 days and I figured I would bring this up to the pediatrician. So we went to her doctors visit and I told her about kaison and his breathing problems. She said that it could be this thing that was going around and that I should take him to the hospital. So I did as she said and when they were inspecting him he had a fever of 103.5. As you can imagined I freaked out. I started trembling and I even cried because not only was I dealing with all this on my own I had no idea kaison had a fever. He did not have any temperate or any sign that he was ill. So they quickly admitted him in, and started poking him with needles. I just felt so helpless listening to him cry his lungs out. He had a doctor who was trying to get that fluid from his spinal cord and kept missing his spot so kaison was poked over and over and over which at that point I was ready to kick the doctor out. My poor little baby so tiny and ill and here you are just poking him constantly. That was finally over and because of how little kaison was they decided to admit him and we spent a total of either 3 or 4 days there. They said he had a virus but since he was so little it was hard for them to say what kind of virus it was but they just treated him on anti biotics to heal him up. It is just an awful feeling watching from behind the scenes and not being able to do anything. I remember his sad little watery eyes staring at me as I watched helplessly and tried to cuddle him with my words to ensure him that I was not going anywhere. So kaison, serena and i spent 3 days at the hospital. That was one of our several trips to the hospital. Look at his little body. I was just thankful that he was healed and from that point on I always checked to see if he has a fever going through his butt and not under arms.. even now. Never want to have such a scare like this again.

Kaison's Birth

I remember it like it was yesterday. For 9 long months I was patiently waiting your arrival. I was beyond thrilled to welcome you into this world but scared of all the pain I would have to go through before you arrived. But I would never trade any of it because from all the pain was a blessing of a sweet little baby boy weighing 7 pounds 11 ouces.

My due date was scheduled for January 15th 2015. I had my last doctors appointment on January 14th, 2015 and there was no indication that you had any plans on arriving any time soon. So I asked my daughter to be induced and he called and made arrangements and he said how does tomorrow sound. I thought tomorrow wow, that is soon but sounds good to me. Anyway I got up that morning and started getting ready at 5am. I had to be at the hospital for 6am but they called me at 5:30 to let me know that there were no beds available and they will call to let me know when they had any beds available. Now as you imagined I was a bit pissed because I was a bit pissed and was just so excited to see my baby boy. I patiently waited and no call came until 11:30am when they said we would have to reschedule and someone will contact me to reschedule.

So here we go again another waiting process. Unfortunately Robert was ok with that because he wanted to go to work to make me so with all the raging hormones and his attitude I was not very happy. But around 3pm someone called and ask that I come in for 5am the next day the 16th, 2015. I was beyond thrilled that I would not have to wait days or a week before I could get to go in.

The next morning I gladly woke up at 4am because we were asked to be on time. Got up, got serena ready, got myself ready, even did some cleaning and organizing. It was a hard moment because serena would no longer be my only child and for the past few years it was always she and I. It was really hard to take in for a moment and I kept wondering how could I love them both or divide my love and I always wanted to let her know that Kaison is an addition to our little family and I would always love her and care for her no matter what. I wanted her to be part of the process and be there to welcome her brother as crazy as that sounds but it was flu season so she could not come to the hospital.

Last day of being pregnant.. Got to the hospital and got checked in and everything. Before inducing me they tried the membrane thing again and they also broke my water to see if it would get things moving along. I'll tell you one thing Kaison was very comfortable in there. I only dilated to a 3 and after much given time I was induced which I was so nervous about. It was little after that I started walking around to help speed up the process.

Boy oh boy the pain came on fast. I knew it hurt to be induced because lots of people said it will and it is true. I was in so much pain. I had planned to go natural but with the pain I was experiencing that plan was out of the window. I just thought screw it and for 9 months my whole plan was to go natural.. as you can imagine I did get an epidural.

Two hours later it was time to push. Kaison did not want to come out. He was stuck in there. We tried several pushes and nothing was happening. As you can imagine Yes I did it all by myself. Just my nurses and I. I will forever be grateful for my doctor and my nurses during this time. I had pushing for so long and nothing was happening. We had tried several things to get kaison coming and he just was not coming. at the very last hour my doctor decided that it was time to have a c section. But right as he was making the decision I had this burning sensation happening at which I yelled doc I think I am pooping and I think it is huge. He took a look down there and it was kaison's head. After so many tries of pushing and nothing to boom here I am was just crazy. Let me just say I was on fire.

Kaison had finally braced us with his presence and I was finally holding my sweet little angel. He did however pinched my nerve .. a nerve which caused me to not be able to use my left leg for weeks and I was in an excruciating amount of pain. I could hardly go lay in bed or get off my bed, or walk or just anything that involved some type of movement, but I was happy to have my baby home and happy for serena to meet her brother and she loved him. She had no kind of jealousy for him. She just wanted to hold him and still does.

So the story may not be long but i REMEMEBER it like it was yesterday. I had to do it alone with serena and I did it alone with kaison. Both their births are so uniquely different but the experience of falling in love with them is just the same. You end up loving both your children the same way. You can't love one more than the other.

Monday, October 19, 2015

pictures of serena

pregnant with kaison.

She loved feeling Kaison kick.

She loved my big belly.

Going to church. she loves church.

Back in wyoming just watching some tv.

Just opened a package with kaisons receiving blankets. We were ready for him to get here.

Laying on my tummy

The week of her third birthday

Getting her toes done for her birthday. Girl time with mummy

Just set up kaisons chair for when he was born and she was just to jealous to let it be the babys chair. It had to be hers.

Christmas 2014.

Going to my doctors appointment to check on baby.

We left wyoming and moved to Boise and the same day we got there, actually the next day she woke up swollen like a pumpkin with a break out all over her body.